Why We Shouldn't Care, In Order to Care

"To change the world
Start with one step
However small
The first step is hardest of all

If you close your eyes'Cause the house is on fireAnd think you couldn't move,Until the fire diesThe things you never didOh, cause you might die tryingYou'd be as good as dead.
If you give, you begin to liveYou begin, you get the world."~dave matthews band

In reference to my last post, I was quite upset with the actions, reactions and lack of actions (for that matter) by my mother and brother. This family unit proves to be my greatest obstacle. When I presented this idea to The Teacher, Michael, he asked me why I cared.

Why did I care that my brother wants nothing to do with me and my mother thinks I'm a bad person? Hmm. I argued that they were my family and the rules are different. But are they? While those two do bring out an inner nastiness and a primitive anger in me, was I really this terrible person they seemed to believe I was?

I didn't think so. So really the rules are not different for them. Every person on this planet has an opinion of another so just because we were born together doesn't mean their opinions are right. Look at my grandmother, her views are terribly skewed.

When I use my time to sort out my social life, I never think to sort out my mother and brother. My reason for this is because I don't believe they will ever change. But that's just it, for the most part, people don't change! My mother and brother behaved exactly as I thought they would, so why was I shocked? Consistancy. People are creatures of habit.

But what does this have to do with my family thinking I royally suck at life? Well, everything. No matter what I do today, they will remember all the yesterday's and live in the cycle that I'm trying to break away from.

The difference is, when you start to become aware of your surroundings and the people in it, you fall out that consistancy. As a human being, I will fall back into some kind of consistant pattern but for right now, I feel like I'm in a state of transition. I'm in a limbo of sorts, teetering on the line of concious and unconcious awareness. Most of the actions of my friends are 90% dismissable today whereas all the yesterday's turned into a big deal. It was very hard to let things slide and I felt like everything had to be brought to their attention because they 'hurt my feelings carelessly'. This doesn't mean that I won't still bring matters to the surface but I will be able to present them in a less harmful way for both parties.

So as I'm learning this forgiveness, acceptence and pattern of human nature, I hadn't applied it to the people I actually LIVE with. Why not? These two people are just as faulted, (if not more), than the people I choose to have in my life (my friends). Their opinion on me should not matter because if it does not match the opinion I have of myself, then what good is it to me?

Do I think I am a good person? Do I know that I'm trying to change my views? My way of living? My approach to people? Yes, I know what goes through my head every day. I know how people outside my house react to me. Of course we have our differences but more often than not, these people are warm and kind to me. I have heard many things from people only proving the theory I have about myself.

I rock.

Unfortunately the goal is to not to ignore negative feedback about ourselves but instead, look it over and decide if it has standing or not. If you're being called a careless slob, don't just say "I am not!" Review the information (sometimes in the form of an insult). Are you a slob because you are careless? Or do you work two jobs, sometimes running double shifts with no dinner and come home exhausted? I think being a little messy is justified. If you're home all day and simply can't be bothered well then, think about that.

The bottom line is that even the good comments from people can be misleading. What you always need to look at is how you view yourself. If you have a bad view of yourself, why is that? Is it because someone else has a bad view of you? Do you think they have any argument to accuse you of whatever travesty?

Self improvement seems to just learning to ask before reacting. When something happens you are asking yourself why it happened and then why you feel you do, THEN you're supposed to react accordingly. Life is a series of questions to yourself. Are you asking enough questions? Are you asking the right ones?

I was in a bad situation the other day. Was I at fault? Partly, yes. I didn't ask myself to stop anticipating the destruction that hadn't even happened yet. Did I deserve the reaction I got from all the rest of the parties involved? Not really but it probably could have been avoided.

So no matter who is judging you today, they always say, "consider the source". Such easy words, such trying practice. So practice.

Because in dismissing the negative things people have to say about us (if we don't care what they say), in turn, we learn to care about the most important thing... ourselves.

And when we care about ourselves, we can care for the whole world.

To Train Patience

I was never able to finish pictures that I drew. I am an accomplished artist in my own eyes and the eyes of the people who receive pictures from me. I've shown work in only a few galleries. My art doesn't define me although so many people associate me with art automatically.

Normally it is my writing that gives me fill. The power I have in describing what I see and what I need. Fluid sentences and reader reactions stay with me longer than phrases accompanying my art like, "it looks so real". I know, that was the point. Writing is my challenge and whenever I master it and actually bring readers to tears, I breathe well. I like that my writing affects people. I like that I affect people.

However, every couple of months I get a calling back to the pad and I desire a sheet of clean, white paper. I appreciate the base of what I work on and with. Like a perfect human body before it is inked. A blank canvas can turn out to be so many things.

Pictures with no backgrounds. That defines me in a way I probably couldn't put into words but still, on the surface, it shows my inability to follow through. I create some of the most beautiful, vibrant images and these faces and characters are floating in space. I never have the patience to give them a landscape or a setting. I focus on people.

The other part about my art that frustrates me is the timing. Some days I can draw anything. Other days, nothing. When I can draw something, I want to see the finished product so bad but the amount of time it takes to create an incredibly life like drawing is tedious and feels like it can go on forever.

I am inspired these days. Inspired by the very thing I've studied for so long and misunderstood for longer... People.

As people are my focus and patience is my obstacle, I will give myself small lessons in patience and pushing through the frustrations of time constraint. I will draw a picture to move me... and to teach me.